My Recurring Nightmare: I'm Not A Masochist

So for those of you who have been with me for awhile (and really I'd be surprised if i even have one regular reader on this blog) know that about this time last year I was applying to PhD programs....

... and that i got rejected from all of the ones i applied too.  It was painful to watch my life's dreams go down the toilet. I mean getting my doctorate was like the only thing i have ever wanted and to see it go up in a big puff of smoke was heartbreaking. I know the economy is bad and that lots of people got rejected, several of my friends included, and that i shouldn't take it personally. But when 6 colleges reject you, its hard not to take it personally.

Anyways, I've decided not to reapply to PhD program this year. There are several circumstances behind it. I can't afford it for one, between retaking the GRE'S ($150), application costs ($350) and having to drive back to my college to talk to my proffies about I simply can't afford it this year since my college loans are currently in repayment. Second, I don't think i can take another round of rejection letters. If i get rejected two years in a row I don't think i will ever be able to apply again and the economy hasn't really picked up enough for circumstances to have changed for me to get in. Lastly, I'm not sure i want to reapply. I mean I'm not loving working as a waitress but I think i need space from academia to have a real life. You know to live how the other half lives. I need to know that this is the only path for me, and right now I'm not so sure.

Does this mean I will never reapply? No, i still might apply again next year. I just need to live a little first. You know get laid, find love, make some money, have an adventure kind of life. All this means is that i'm not a masochist and i don't want to inflict pain on myself two years in a row.